I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Boobs speak an international language.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
