i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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