Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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