And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
