It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
