My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
