My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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