I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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