I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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