So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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