So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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