I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need water and some morals
Randomize
