the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
