You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
