dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
