Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
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is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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