What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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