I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
