I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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