you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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