theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
