You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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