I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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