I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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