bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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