Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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