My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
