I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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