You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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