my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
