Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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