Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
