I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
