I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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