Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
