I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
