but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
