Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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