The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
