if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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