Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
