just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
