News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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