gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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