wakey wakey hands off snakey
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
