Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Too much gin, very little bucket
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
