Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
