She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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