Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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