I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think people are normalizing furries
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
