Please, let me fuck your mom
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
