I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
do nipples grow back?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
