Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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