i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
