I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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