I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
